FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER

FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner,no one
wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it
appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding
Mr./Miss. Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting
married,they'll say: 'We're in love';

I believe this is the..1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life
partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound 'not
politically correct',there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis
for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the
other ingredients are right,then the love will come. Let me say it again:
'You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone'; You need a lot
more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're seriousabout finding
and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important?
Let me put it this way: If you're marriedfor 20 or 30 years, that's a long
time to live with someone. Whatdo you plan to do with each other all that
time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and
more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a
marriage:(1) You can grow together, or (2) You can grow apart. 50% of the
people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to
know what you want out of life! Bottom line; marry someone who wants the
same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this
person? This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of
having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get 'punished'
or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine
defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express
your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure
you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a refined and
sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work
on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving
themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone who is
always striving to be good and do the right '. So ask about your significant
other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?
Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is
character refinement.There are essentially two types of people in the
world:(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are
dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be
comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You
need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people? The one most important
thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we
mean the ability to give another person pleasure .Ask: Is this someone who
enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and
self- absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they
treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys,
taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they
have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people
who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can
be sure thatsomeone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you
poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after
we're married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the
intention of trying to 'improve'them after they're married. As a colleague
of mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to change after marriage
for the worse' If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now,
then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn't have to
be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with
your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible
when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to
the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up
with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because
you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective...There are some people in your life that need to be
loved from adistance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go
of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative,
incompatible,not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships
around you. Pay attention...Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones
encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth
uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do
you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really
understand, know, orappreciate you? The more you seek quality, respect,
growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become
for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved
to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and
after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get involved and make a
commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance,
pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs.
Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or
that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise
with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring
to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past
mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You
can't makes omeone love you or make someone stay.If you develop self-esteem,
spiritual discernment, and 'a life'; you won't find yourself making someone
else responsible for yourhappiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking
status, sex, andsecurity are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment
withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty and pain wireplace